New York City, 1999
Josh winded the electrical tape around the plug carefully, making sure the wires were tucked inside. The remaining tape became cardboard at the end of the roll and he ripped it free.
"Ha," he said to himself, inspecting the work. "Here we go."
He proceeded to crawl across the floor towards the outlet, feeling like a kid again instead of a 30-year old man. Josh had spent the last hour trying to rig up the light set. It came second-hand from a neighbor down the hall who was going to throw them away. Luckily, he was able to stop him before they ended up in the incinerator. With a little luck and tape, they were as good as new. With the briefest prayer to God, he inserted the plug and lay back on the floor.
A kaleidoscope of color sprang to life above him. Thousands of twinkling light sparkled everywhere, illuminating the small apartment. What few ornaments there were decorated the branches, tinsel icicles filled in the bare spots and the used lights tied it all together. And it was beautiful indeed. A beacon of Christmas joy and spirit to behold.
Josh inhaled the fresh pine smell of the tree. They agreed they weren't going to have one this year. But he couldn't resist. She deserves a tree, at the very least, he had thought. Even if he had to work a couple extra hours to afford it. This year had been a hard one for both of them. He was juggling a full time job and going to law school at night. The school bills alone were a huge drain on their finances. Marissa worked as many hours as she could at her ad agency. But she was just getting her foot in the door, and to get the experience she needed, Marissa had to work from the ground-level up. With overtime hours and no overtime pay. The sacrifices they made now would pay off in the long run, Josh told himself. But there were times they survived on love alone.
He looked over at the time, feeling a wave on anticipation. It was almost six o'clock. Marissa would be home in just seconds. Josh heard her on the stairs. He grabbed up what was left on the floor and shoved it into a box, getting it out of the way. All he wanted was for her to see the tree. To see her eyes sparkle with surprise. He leaned on the wall, opposite the door. The clock chimed out the hour and as if on cue, her keys were rattling in the door.
Marissa opened the door and stepped inside. She stomped the snow off her boots, which were two sizes too big for her tiny feet. She was wrapped like an Eskimo in Josh's coat, hat and scarf.
"Oh my God ..." she said, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Surprise," Josh said, coming out of his hiding spot.
Marissa trembled and Josh wasn't sure if it was from the cold or the tears welling up in her eyes.
"Josh," she whispered, lowering her hand to reveal a smile. "I thought we agreed, no tree."
"I know, love," he said, taking her in his arms. She was covered in snow and he brushed some of it off her brown, silky hair and turned up nose. "But Father Christmas brought it by and I couldn't say no. After all, Christmas Eve is tomorrow night."
Josh drew her full, rose colored lips to his in a slow kiss. Hopefully warming her from the inside out. New York was absolutely frigid this time of year and it was a good three-block walk from the subway.
"Can we afford it?" she asked, leaning into her husband's arms. She looked back at the sparkling creation, biting her lip. She was already worrying about the money.
"No," Josh admitted, kissing away her frown. "I got the lights and tinsel free from a neighbor. The ornaments are the ones we had. I'm sorry it couldn't be more, but you deserved a tree, Marissa."
"I don't deserve you," she replied, glancing behind him to look at the clock. The time. Always the time.
Marissa worked during the day and Josh worked at night. They only saw each other for about five minutes in the evening and an hour in the morning. Barely enough time to even say hello. But words weren't always necessary to express how they felt.
She unwound the scarf off her neck, then wrapped it around Josh's. It was still deliciously warm from her body and he absorbed that warmth. It smelled faintly like her, the rose cream she used. Next, the hat. She pulled it off her head and her static hair went flying in all directions. Marissa jammed it down on his instead, pulling it over his eyes.
"Hey," he said, pushing it out of his eyes. "Can't see you like that."
"Don't need to see me," Marissa purred, with a little laugh. "Just feel me."
And Josh did feel Marissa. Her lips caressed his again, drawing him into a slow kiss. His coat was thickest they owned and they shared it. Even though it drowned Marissa's tiny frame, at least she was warm. Josh reached up, unbuttoning the coat and she moaned a little. He let it slide off her slim body, carefully catching it before it fell to the ground. Then, Josh swung the coat around himself and shrugged into it. Marissa pulled it up and buttoned it for him. Her tiny fingers tugged the buttons through the toggles, dressing him with the same care as when she undressed him. All the while, her lips never left his.
This was their ritual. Every night. Five minutes of bliss before being separated again.
"Goodbye, love," he said, holding him tightly before going out into the cold night air. "You've been a very good girl this year. Father Christmas won't be passing you up."
Marissa laughed again, fiddling with the scarf demurely. Her large brown eyes gazed up at him. "If you'll come down the chimney, Santa, I'll have more than cookies and milk for you."
"Can hardly wait," he whispered, forcing himself to pull away. The train left in 10 minutes and he would have just enough time to catch it.
"Josh," she said, stopping him momentarily. "Thank you for the tree."
Josh smiled, feeling a tug deep within. It was all worth it just to make her happy.
Marissa shut the door behind him, lingering by the knob. She pressed her forehead to the door, listening for his footsteps as he descended the staircase. She waited until he was gone before turning around and leaning on the door.
Josh wasn't the only one who made a secret purchase that day.
Marissa sighed, reaching for her purse. Inside it, a tiny test kit that had cost almost thirty dollars. She'd been late before, but never by two full weeks. Her hands shook as she pulled it out.
"99% error proof," she read to herself, walking slowly to the bathroom. She exhaled, looking at her reflection in the mirror. "I certainly hope so."
She'd been feeling sick in the morning for a while. Something that was easy to hide from Josh because she was normally alone due to their opposite hours. There was no point in telling him until she knew for sure. It was best to do the test in the morning, but she couldn't wait another minute.
Marissa followed the instructions and when she was done; she set the little stick on the counter and walked into the bedroom. Amazing how something so tiny could change your future in just five minutes.
She fell back on the bed and closed her eyes. She rolled herself in the downy comforter as she waited for the longest five minutes of her life.
This year had been so difficult. The first year of marriage generally was. They'd met last year at this time. Skating in Central Park. She was instantly attracted to the slight, handsome man who helped her off the ice when she had fallen. In his soft, British accent, he offered to skate with her back to the end of the rink. Holding her hand so she'd wouldn't fall. From that moment on, they were inseparable.
Marriage followed six months later. It was a beautiful wedding, but one they had to pay for themselves. Which automatically set them back. Next came Josh's tuition for law school. They both agreed to live in downtown New York, to be close to both work and school. Taking the subway alone saved them thousands of dollars, since they did not have to pay for parking.
Money was tight. Very tight. And it would be until Josh finished law school. But these were sacrifices both Josh and Marissa agreed to make. After all, it was just a temporary situation for the next eighteen months. It wasn't anything the two of them couldn't handle.
But it wasn't going to be just the two of them anymore. How was she going to tell him? They were barely getting by as it was. There would be doctor visits. Deductibles to meet. Sick days. She wouldn't be able to work the overtime hours anymore. How could they afford all that? She sighed.
Marissa opened her eyes and looked at the clock. The five minutes were up.
"Okay," she said to herself, slowly unraveling out of the comfortable, cotton cocoon. It could be negative. Her cycle had always been irregular. She reached for the stick. "See? Nothing to worry about."
It was a bright blue plus sign.
Josh opened the door to the apartment. He was surprised to find Marissa wasn't waiting for him.
"Rissa?" he called softly. All the lights were still off. Including the Christmas tree. Normally, she would be dressed for work and have her breakfast-his dinner ready. Or some mornings, they'd prepare it together if time permitted.
He sighed, walking slowly into the bedroom. Careful not to make any loud noises. As suspected, Marissa was still asleep. Josh felt concern for her. This was the third time he'd caught her oversleeping. Josh approached the bed silently, wanting to study her face. She looked so pale. Exhausted. She was working herself to death.
All because of me, he thought. Law school.
Josh sat down on the bed beside her curled up body. He reached over, carefully smoothing her tousled hair back. It was then that he noticed her eyes looked swollen as if she'd been crying.
"Rissa?" he whispered, shaking her shoulder gently. "Rissa, love. It's seven o'clock."
"Josh?" she asked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "What time is it?"
"Seven," he answered, wanting to curl in bed with her. Thank God she only had to work a half-day today.
"Seven?" she replied, looking over at the clock. "I'm late!"
"Rissa," Josh said, as she flung the covers off her. She stood up quickly, then raced for the bathroom. "Rissa!"
She locked the door behind her and Josh rushed towards it, knocking impatiently. She made strange noises, as if she was vomiting.
"Open the door," he ordered, laying his palm flat against it. "You're sick, love. You shouldn't go in today."
"I have to," Marissa protested. He heard the sink running and the toilet flush. "It's only for a few hours and we need the holiday pay."
"It's Christmas Eve," Josh argued, resting his forehead against the door. "They can do without you for a half a day."
"Don't be silly!" she said, flinging the door open. Marissa jammed the toothbrush in her mouth, brushing hard. "I'm fine. It was just something I ate."
"You haven't looked well, Marissa," Josh said, stepping in their tiny bathroom. He stood behind her, watching her reflection as she rinsed. "I think you've been working too hard."
Marissa wiped her mouth, then turned around in the space. She sat on the sink ledge and stared at her husband. She wanted to desperately to tell him, but now wasn't the right time.
"I'm just tired, Josh," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "But we'll both be off for two and a half days. I'll rest then."
He folded his arms around her body, hugging her tightly. Josh fell a lump rising in his throat as he stared at their reflection. Her small body enveloped in his arms. He didn't know what he'd do if anything happened to Marissa.
"I'm sorry, Rissa," he whispered, rocking her gently.
"What for?" she asked, pulling back to look at him. Her large brown eyes were shiny.
"That I couldn't make our first Christmas better than this," Josh replied, kissing her forehead gently. "You deserve so much better."
"I have everything I need," Marissa answered, clutching him tighter.
He wanted to desperately to tell her, but now wasn't the right time.
Marissa walked slowly up the stairs of their apartment, each footstep growing heavier and heavier. Cutbacks. Downsizing. Phasing out. All nice words for the word fired. She let the tears fall unbidden all the way home on the subway. Oh, she'd receive severance pay. And her unused vacation and sick days. But after the holidays, she was officially unemployed.
And pregnant. Who would want to hire a pregnant woman? And if she got another job, her pregnancy would be considered a pre-existing medical condition and therefore; would not be covered. It wasn't a good time to be looking for a new job at the first of the year.
Marissa paused on the landing, almost afraid to enter the building. Upstairs, Josh was probably waiting enthusiastically for her. She bit her lower lip, trying to gather the strength to face him.
Some Christmas this would be.
"Ma'am?" asked a small voice.
"Yes?" she said, turning around to face a tiny girl wearing a pink snowsuit. She couldn't have been more that six or seven, with fringe of brown hair peeking out of her hood and eyes even bluer than Josh's.
"Can you help me?" she implored, reaching for Marissa's hand with her little mittened one. "I'm lost."
"You are?" Marissa asked, sniffing back tears as she focused on the little girl. She lowered herself to her knees to make them equal. "What's your name?"
"Noelle," she replied, her cheeks rosy from the cold.
"Noelle," Marissa repeated, with a smile. "Pleased to meet you, Noel. I'm Marissa."
Noelle looked down at her feet and then back up at Marissa. "I know I'm supposed to be going to a big brick building with a shiny cross on top."
Marissa's hand clutched the little girl's hand tighter. Big brick building with a cross on top?
"St. Gabriel's?" Marissa asked, naming the only Catholic Church in the neighborhood.
"Yes!" the girl nodded, jumping up and down enthusiastically. "I'm going to see the baby Jesus tonight!"
Marissa frowned slightly. She wondered what such a small child would be doing wandering the streets by herself looking for the church. Hopefully, someone at the church would recognize the girl. Perhaps she'd run away and her mother was looking frantically for her.
"Okay," Marissa said, standing up. She kept her hand firmly around Noelle's. "I will take you there. It's not too far, but we'll have to walk. I don't have a car."
"That's 'kay," Noelle replied happily as the walked back down the stairs together. "Mary and Joseph had to travel much farther to get to Bedlam."
"Bethlehem," Marissa corrected, grinning to herself. "You seem to know a lot about the Christmas story."
"Of course!" she proclaimed, tugging on Marissa's hand. "I'm going to be the Christmas Angel tonight!"
"You are?" Marissa asked, looking down at the girl. "Are you in a play?"
"Uh-huh. I have wings and a halo, too," Noelle nodded, practically skipping along side Marissa. "I know all about the baby Jesus."
"Tell me," Marissa asked, the cold making her eyes water again. She brushed a tear away quickly so not to upset Noelle.
"An angel told Mary she was going to have a baby. But Mary was scared because she and Joseph didn't have nothing," Noelle said, as they turned the corner.
I know how she felt, thought Marissa.
"They didn't even have a place to have the baby!" cried Noelle, waving her free hand about. "But the Christmas Angel told them to follow the star of Bedlahem."
"That must be an very important job," Marissa commented, staring down at the little girl.
"It is," Noelle said, very seriously. "'Cause the Angel told them not to be afraid. It would be okay if they followed the star."
"Hmmm," Marissa mused. If only it were that simple. "Can I ask you a question, Noelle?"
"Sure," Noelle replied, as the walked up to St. Gabriel's.
"Do you think Mary was scared to tell Joseph about the baby?" Marissa asked, wanting to hear a child's innocent answer.
"No," Noelle said firmly. "'Cause Mary knew it was a gift from God and Joseph would not be mad."
"God didn't give Mary something she couldn't handle," Marissa surmised, holding the church door open for Noelle.
"Right," Noelle answered, eager to get inside. "And tonight we celebrate Mary and Joseph and Jesus! Wanna see?"
Josh frantically raced up and down the street outside their apartment. Where was Marissa? She should have been home at least an hour ago. The snow had started falling again, covering Josh everywhere.
At least Marissa had on the coat, if she was caught outside in it. He worried she had gotten sick somewhere. Or even passed out. He should have never ever let her leave the house this morning. Law school could wait. He'd find another job so she didn't have to work as hard. Nothing mattered more than Marissa.
"Rissa!" he shouted, not caring when everyone stopped and stared at him. He raced towards the subway, eager to retrace her steps. Where might she have gone? "Rissa!"
He ran up and down the street for the next half-hour, screaming her name until his voice was hoarse. His hair was soaked with snow and his fingers were frozen. But he kept searching to no avail.
Tired and worn out, Josh trudged back to their apartment building. Please God, help me find my wife, he silently prayed. I'm sorry for putting my own needs above hers. And I know how to make it right.
"Josh?"
His heart pounded at the sound of her voice. Josh looked up, seeing her solitary figure standing in the middle of the sidewalk up ahead.
"Rissa," he whispered, his breath white in the cold. He ran towards her, enfolding her tightly in his arms and never wanting to let go.
"You're wet," she said, with a laugh. It was the sweetest sound to Josh. He kissed her cheek soundly, then brought both his hands to her warm face and kissed her mouth.
"I was so worried," he panted, after their lips parted. He stared into her soft, brown eyes. "Where have you been?"
"St. Gabriel's," she replied, brushing a lock of his wet hair from his eyes. "There's a Christmas pageant at midnight and I was wondering if we could go."
Josh breathed a sigh of relief and stared into her face. She looked much better than she did earlier, but her eyes were rimmed red as if she'd been crying. The last time they were in a church was for their wedding, but he understood her request to go on Christmas.
"Midnight mass?" Josh asked, remembering the Christian tradition. He was brought up Anglican.
"Yes," she nodded, taking off her scarf and wrapping it around Josh's head. "An angel told me to go."
"An angel?" Josh repeated, wrapping one arm protectively around her shoulder. They walked slowly back to the apartment.
"A Christmas angel," she clarified, looking over at her husband.
Josh and Marissa sat beneath their tree, huddled together in a flannel blanket. They were both stuffed from the dinner they had prepared earlier and the apple pie Josh had brought home. The apartment smelled like pine and cinnamon.
"All that's missing is the presents under the tree," Josh said sadly, staring at the empty place at their feet. How he wished he could have filled the room with presents for Marissa. But all he had to offer was a second hand tree and his love.
"I already got my present," Marissa whispered, kissing his cheek softly.
"I'm not much of present," Josh replied, looking at her sadly. "I think you should take me back and try to get your money back."
Marissa smiled and held onto him tighter. "Josh..."
"No," he said firmly. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I want to give you something, Marissa. Something I hope you'll accept."
"What is it?" she asked, sitting up and staring at him intently.
"Rissa," he began, taking her hand in both of his. "I'm not going back to law school in January."
"What?" she asked, her mouth opening to protest. "Josh, you can't ..."
"Yes," he replied, laying his finger over her lips. "Yes, I can. I can go back at any time to finish my degree. I'm going to get a part time job instead so you don't have to work as much."
"Josh," she said, tears welling up her eyes. Marissa looked up at the sparkling tree above them, and her tears reflected the flashing colors. "I have something to tell you ..."
"Rissa?" he asked, scooting closer to her.
"You can't quit law school," she said, wiping tears away with her hand. "Because I lost my job today."
Josh enfolded her in his arms, holding her close. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"Because," she continued, closing her eyes. "I didn't want you to worry about it. I was laid off. I'll get severance pay and we'll be fine until I can get something else. Advertising was my dream and law school was yours. I lost mine today and I'm not going let you lose yours, too."
"It doesn't matter," Josh said, rocking her gently. He pressed his lips to her forehead. "It's selfish of me to continue to put this strain on us. Law school is too expensive. I can wait. I can support the two of us if I work a part-time job."
Marissa pulled back and away from Josh's arms. She sat back on her heels to face him. "That's true. But you can't support the three of us like that."
"Three of us?" Josh repeated, confused by her words.
Marissa sniffed back tears and nodded. "Three of us, Josh. I'm...pregnant."
Josh opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He lips turned up in the biggest smile Marissa had ever seen. His wide, toothy grin was infectious and made her smile as well, through her tears.
"You're pregnant!" he exclaimed, scooting closer to her.
"Yes," she replied, a bit shocked as his reaction. "I took one of those stick tests, and it came out positive."
Josh swept her up in his arms, holding her tight. He stood on his feet, taking Marissa with him and spun them both around until Marissa shrieked with laughter.
"I'm going to be a father?" he said, finally setting her down.
"I-I thought you'd be upset," she mumbled, playing with his shirt collar.
"Upset? No!" he said, pressing her body against his again. "I could never be upset about that, my love."
Josh dropped to his knees, hugging Marissa's waist protectively. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, leaning her head down to rest it on his.
"A baby," Josh murmured, pulling her shirt out of her slacks. He ran his fingers along the smooth plane of her stomach. "You've got a baby in there?"
"I think so," Marissa said, smoothing his hair back. "I need to make an appointment with a OB/GYN to confirm it."
"It explains why you've been sick," Josh said, drawing a smiley face on her belly with his finger. Marissa laughed a bit, his touch was tickling her. "Why you've been so tired." He looked up at her, his blue eyes lit up brighter than the Christmas tree.
"You can't quit law school," Marissa said firmly. "We'll manage. You'll graduate this year before the baby is even born. With any luck, you'll pass the bar this summer and sign on as a first-year at a law firm. I'll see what I can find. I can work until my ninth month."
"Rissa," he said, getting back on his feet. "I love you."
"I love you, Josh," she said, kissing him slowly. His mouth parted and allowed her to slip her tongue between his lips. Drawing out the kiss for as long as possible.
Somehow, they'd manage. If they had to survive on love alone, then that would be enough. God wouldn't give them anything they couldn't handle. Noelle had taught her that.
Noelle...
"We've got to go," Marissa said, breaking the kiss. "The pageant! We're going to be late! I promised the Christmas Angel we'd be there!"
Josh and Marissa held each other's hand as they walked into the church, all illuminated by white lights and candles. It was crowded in the alcove that served as the stage for the pageant, but they made their way over. Marissa and Josh strained to see over the crowds to the tiny makeshift stage.
"And the Angel told Joseph," said the narrator, motioning to the actors behind him. "Behold, Mary is with child and shall bring forth a son. And they shall call him Emmanuel, which means, God is with us."
Josh squeezed Marissa hand tighter.
"They journeyed into the desert on a donkey. Mary was great with child. They had no money, no home, no friends. Just then, Joseph looked up into the sky and saw a great star shining in the east. And suddenly, an angel appeared."
Marissa stood up on tiptoe, hoping to catch a glimpse of Noelle.
But instead, a lovely young girl was lowered from the ceiling. Wearing flowing robes of white and gold and wings dusted with glitter.
"Fear not," she said, pointing at Joseph and Mary. "Follow the star to Bethlehem. There, Mary shall give birth to the Savior of the world."
"Noelle?" Marissa whispered, quinting at the figure. This girl was blonder and older. Where was Noelle? Why wasn't she up on the stage?
"What is it?" Josh asked, leaning close to his wife.
"That ... that's not the girl I spoke with earlier," she whispered back, visibly flustered.
"Maybe she got sick," Josh suggested. Marissa was searching the room, looking everywhere. "We can ask when it's over."
"I have to find her," Marissa said, glancing at her husband urgently. "I have to thank her for giving me the courage to tell you."
Marissa and Josh stayed through the entire pageant and the midnight mass that followed. All the while, Marissa kept searching for the little girl. Procession. Offertory. Communion.
Finally, Marissa and Josh were left sitting in the church all by themselves. The other parishioners had all gone, but Marissa wanted to wait just a little longer. It was nearly 1:30 a.m. and the priest began to blow out the candles on the altar. He saw the couple sitting in the back and walked towards them.
"Merry Christmas," he said, with a warm smile.
"Merry Christmas, Father," they replied in unison.
"We are just about to lock up the church for the night," he said carefully. He laid a hand on Josh's shoulder. "Is there something special I can do for you?"
"No, we were just leaving," Josh said, nudging Marissa. He started to slide out of the pew. "We are expecting a baby and just wanted to thank God for the blessing."
"Oh," Father said. "Congratulations. God bless you both indeed."
"Father," Marissa started, getting up to join Josh in the aisle. "May I ask you something?"
"Certainly," he answered, smiling at her.
She looked around the church one final time, then focused her attention on the priest. "Earlier today, I met a little girl. She was supposed to be in the Christmas pageant. She really helped me today, Father. I was scared to tell my husband about the baby and she made me realize that everything was going to be okay."
Marissa's eyes began to well up with tears.
"What's the girl's name?" Father asked, reaching out to Marissa's trembling hands.
"Her name was Noelle. She said she was the Christmas Angel," Marissa replied, her voice trembling with fear at never seeing the girl again.
Father shook his head. "I'm sorry, we don't have any little girls in the parish by that name."
"But she was here," Marissa said, as Josh put his arm around her. Her shoulders shook as she tried not to cry. "Noelle..."
"The Christmas Angel," Father repeated, his voice fading off into the stillness of the church