The soft jazz playing helped to turn the background conversations into a harmonic buzz. The Doctor sighed as he sipped his tea and then bit into the croissant. He let his tongue roll around the flaky layers of sweet pastry and savored the sensation. It wasn't often that he had the chance to relax for a bit.
As he leaned back in the chair, he noticed that the background noise was starting to drown out the jazz music. He turned around and saw a number of soldiers heading his way. One of them seem to notice him and reached into his flack jacket. Before the man could get his gun out, the Doctor leaped up and started running.
He began knocking down tables as he ran to the back entrance of the café and listened as the men behind him stumbled and shouted after him. As soon as he was out of the restaurant, he sprinted down the alley.
"Wait! Stop!" he heard one of the men shouting.
The Doctor ignored the soldier and turned onto the main street.
"Wahhhhhhgh!" he cried as he tripped over something. He pushed his hands out to catch himself as he spawled out onto the street.
"Sorry about that, Doc," said the lady who'd just tripped him. "Would you like a breather? I'm sure Lt. Carstairs could use one. He's not used to chasing after dignitaries."
The Doctor turned over on his side to see the woman talking to him. From her stripes, she seemed to be a captain. He looked up at the insignia on her cap.
"UNIT! Why didn't I realize before?" The Doctor stood up and began dusting himself down. He smiled at Lt. Carstairs and his men as they arrived around the corner, breathing heavily. "Sorry about that, captain. I guess I've been a little on edge. I thought the lieutenant was taking a gun out of his jacket pocket."
Lt. Carstairs shook his head and reached into his flack jacket again. "It's a summons, sir. From Brigadier Bambera."
The captain nodded as the Doctor read the letter. "She needs you in Sydney as soon as possible. We were lucky we found you so quickly."
"Yes, so I see." He looked over the top of the letter and then chewed on his lower lip as he thought. "Excuse me, Captain," he looked at her uniform again, "Johnson. Would you do me a favor before you whisk me off to Australia?"
"Whatever you need, Doctor."
"Could you go into the café there and retrieve my umbrella? After my hasty retreat, I don't think the owner would be too happy to see me again."
The Doctor stood on the field and fanned himself with his hat. He already had his jacket off and his waistcoat was unbuttoned. Summer in Australia was always a bit on the warm side. He sighed to himself. Once again he was face to face with a megalomaniac who wanted to take over the planet. Why do they always occur on my shift, he wondered.
"So you see," Brigadier Winifred Bambera said, "Jodnar intends to take over the world unless someone can better his android. We've already seen an example of his work. I don't think the Harbour Bridge will recover anytime soon."
"Has he set the rules of combat yet? The Warlords of Rhees have a very strict honor code. I may not be able to help you if he's specified humans only."
"So far, he's only said 'let the inhabitant of Earth who can better my android step forward.' I think you're an inhabitant. At least, you used to be."
The Doctor nodded. "That will be sufficient. What do I have to better the android in? My zero-G cricket is good only when there's an atmosphere and a temperature above 100 Kelvin."
"Jodnar hasn't said yet. Perhaps he wants his challenger to choose."
"Yes, a Warlord of Rhees would do something like that."
"So, would he really leave if you won?"
The Doctor nodded.
"And what would he do to you if you lost?"
The Doctor smiled at Bambera. "I never lose."
People started cheering as the Doctor walked across the field to the throne where Jodnar rested. His loyal android was standing to attention beside him, ready to strike down anyone who dared threaten his master.
The Doctor waved his hat as he neared Jodnar the Warlord. "Hello! I'm the Doctor. I'm interested in your challenge."
Jodnar sneered at the little man walking towards him. "You? You're the best thing Earth has to send me?" He laughed aloud, his pale purple skin turning darker around his cheeks.
The Doctor shrugged. "Well, I was rather enjoying a nice spot of tea and some jazz. But whenever I get a chance to save the Earth, I jump at it. Call it professional pride."
The Warlord laughed again. "So what do you think you can best my android at? I don't think you've got the strength for a fight. With your little legs, you surely could not outrun him."
A few of the UNIT personnel had to disagree with him here.
"Are you a master at strategy games? Perhaps you think you could beat my android at one of them?"
The Doctor shook his head. "I'm rather strategied out. How about ..." He thought about the setting. The ideal sport for Australia. "A boomerang competition."
"Boomerang?" Jodnar asked, turning to his android. It seemed to be thinking for a few seconds before nodding. "So boomerangs it is. And what are the rules of engagement?"
"Well, I figure there has to be someone here who's been to a boomerang competition before. I'm sure they can enlighten us about the rules." The Doctor turned and smiled at Bambera, who was burying her head in her hands.
The Doctor had a pile of boomerangs at his feet and was whittling another one.
"Why so many different types?" the Brigadier asked.
"Well, there are many events to this and each boomerang has its own particular properties." He held two nearly identical ones up. "These two are for the double boomerang throw. I have to throw both at the same time and catch each." When the Brigadier looked blank, he continued. "If you notice, one has a slightly different curve on the edge. It will go out further than the first one so that I'll have time to catch both."
"And the one you're working on?"
"It's for the time aloft competition. It's designed to spin up high and then float down like a helicopter. We'll get ten points for each minute it stays aloft."
"Ah ha. So what are your chances of designing better boomerangs than the android?"
The Doctor tossed the time aloft boomerang on the pile and picked up another one. "I think I'll work on the fast one this time," he replied, ignoring her question.
The Doctor and the android each had one day to perfect their boomerangs. The next morning, thousands of people and UNIT personnel crowded the Showground Arena at Homebush. The Doctor was busy practicing his throwing while Jodnar watched from his throne.
"So, little man, you still think you can beat my android?" Jodnar asked as the Doctor and the android got to the accuracy judging area. Like all Warlords of Rhees, Jodnar had no need of vocal amplification.
"Tell me, does he always talk this much?" the Doctor asked the android.
"Only when he's about to rule a new planet. I think it's some kind of ego trip for him."
The Doctor looked at the android with surprise. "You speak?"
"Of course. You think something that's capable of beating the socks off of anyone on this planet is dumb?"
The Doctor laughed. "Well, good luck to you, android. But I'm warning you, I've got suspenders on my socks."
After the first three events, the android and the Doctor were pretty much tied. Due to a slight shift in the wind, one of the android's boomerangs failed to hit the bull's eye of the target. The Doctor, on the other hand, couldn't compete with the android on the endurance test.
Bambera came over to give the Doctor a pep talk. Or at least, that's what she wished she was doing.
"He's ahead of you by 10 points. How are your chances on the last three events?"
"Stop worrying, Brigadier! I've got everything sorted out." He stood there, drumming his fingers on his lips. "I wonder. Do you happen to know the phone number of the weather bureau here?"
"Not really. But I'm sure we could get it if you really needed it."
"Yes, that would be ideal. You know, as hot as it is today, I'd bet it's a record. The weather bureau ought to know."
The Brigadier nodded and decided that the heat was certainly too much for this Time Lord to handle. "Perhaps we could get you a glass of water. Or an ice pack?"
"The phone number to the weather bureau will suffice. Oh, and a phone."
The fourth event was basically the Doctor's event. Style. Try as the android might, he just didn't have panache. Bambera watched the warlord carefully to make sure he didn't do something to cause the Doctor to trip up. She wasn't used to her enemies following the rules.
The Doctor bowed after catching a boomerang in his teeth and then asked the audience for another trick shot. "Catch it with your feet!" "Do it blindfolded!" "Upside down!"
He decided on upside down with his feet. Somehow, the way the wind was playing up, he didn't think blindfold would be a good idea. He threw the boomerang and then raced over to where he saw it landing. Then he jumped forward, landing on his hands, and used his feet to catch the boomerang.
The only stylistic thing the android could do was toss his hand up to catch a boomerang. After the first two times, the audience wasn't impressed.
"So which event is next?" Bambera asked the Doctor.
"Time aloft. If I can get my boomerang to stay up as long as his, I should be able to win this."
"And if you can't?"
"Why do you insist on dwelling on the negative?" He smiled as he ran his fingers over the edge of his boomerang. "Oh, thanks for the phone. Turns out today isn't a record high. And they say it's going to get a little cooler this afternoon."
"Doctor, if you haven't noticed, it's already dropped ten degrees. Are you sure you're up to this competition?"
"I'm fine, Brigadier." He tapped her on the nose and walked back to the center of the stadium.
The android had already thrown his boomerang. She had watched it circle up and up. Eventually it disappeared from sight. A few minutes later, she saw it as it headed back down, spinning like a seed pod from a maple tree. The official time was 7.15 minutes. Not a record, but still a fine performance.
The Doctor ran forward and then threw his boomerang. Unlike the android's, which circled over the stadium, the Doctor's began veering more to the east. Soon it circled out of sight. Also unlike the android's boomerang, his didn't return.
"Bad luck, Doctor," Jodnar called out. "As I understand it, the boomerang has to return to the field to count. Still, you might just beat my android in the long distance throw." The warlord laughed and thousands of spectators booed him. At a signal from Jodnar, the android's eyes glowed brightly and he turned to face the crowd. Most of the audience had at least heard about what happened to the Harbour Bridge, so they stopped.
Bambera raced out to see the Doctor. He didn't look to pleased with himself.
"What the hell happened?"
The Doctor shrugged. "Must have slipped. Could have happened to anyone."
"Doctor, you're now only ahead of the android by 5 points. He only has to throw 6 meters farther than you do in order to win. I hope you remember that the Earth is at stake here."
He stared at her, and spoke quietly. "I could never forget something as important as that." Then he picked up his kylie and walked to the edge of the stadium.
The final event in the competition didn't actually involve boomerangs but kylies, sometimes called throwing sticks. The Doctor began his run up, then flung the kylie as hard as he could. The stick took off like an airplane, gaining altitude for several meters, before heading back down to Earth. The people leaped to their feet, applauding. He'd reached the other side of the stadium with that throw.
The Doctor took out his handkerchief and wiped his brow.
The android walked over to him, kylie in hand, and said, "Well done. I didn't think you could throw that far."
The Doctor smiled. "Suspenders, remember?"
"I remember. But if I were you, I would have used staples. Those socks are coming off now."
The android walked over to the starting line and then began his run. His kylie took off much like the Doctor's, but since it had a faster starting velocity, it managed to go further. The audience gasped as the kylie hit the far wall of the stadium. Then, as they realized the significance, they became very quiet.
"Well, well, well," Jodnar sneered. "It would seem that my android won after all. So, what should I do first with my new planet?"
The UNIT troops moved quickly to keep the now panicking crowd from doing something stupid, like attack Jodnar or his android. Bambera began running towards the Doctor. Before she arrived, however, one of her soldiers stopped her.
"Sir, there's something coming down from the sky."
"Damn, I didn't think Jodnar would act this quickly. Hell, I didn't think the Doctor would lose."
The tone of the screaming crowd changed. What had been howls of terror was starting to change into cheering. The Doctor moved over to the central 50 meter circle and looked up into the sky. Bambera could see it, finally. A boomerang. Good lord! It was the Doctor's boomerang.
The crowd began to chant "Go Earth! Go Earth!" as the Doctor maneuvered himself underneath the falling boomerang. He caught it just inside the circle. It was an official run. One hour and twenty two minutes aloft. He bowed broadly at the audience as the score keepers ran up his tally. No doubt about it - the Doctor had won.
"So, do you think Jodnar and his Warlords of Whatever will leave us alone now?" Bambera asked the Doctor a few hours later.
The Doctor sipped his tea and replied, "Oh, for a few centuries at least. I seem to recall now meeting up with another Warlord of Rhees during my fourth incarnation. I think we played tiddly winks then."
Bambera raised an eyebrow at this.
"I could be mistaken." He grinned.
She looked at him for a few minutes, still hardly believing that he'd pulled that last boomerang off. "How on Earth did you ever get the boomerang to do that? You didn't plan it, surely."
"Plan it? You mean like call up the weather bureau and find out where the thermals were, what direction the wind was, and stuff like that?" He sipped his tea again. "Whatever do you take me for, Winifred?" THE END