"God dammit!"
For a brief moment, control was lost as I picked up a notepad and hurled it across the room. Not a lethal item and the throw was still pretty bad, but it was enough to catch people's attention. All the members of the team -- my team, now -- stared at me in disbelief. Not that I could blame them. The great Anna Schulman had lost control. A rare event in the hallowed halls of Whitney-Payne.
"It's not a big deal, Blondie." Alannah's voice was calm and reassuring, but with that slightly wild edge that was always present. That was the biggest reason I liked Alannah. She was a wild woman and wasn't afraid to let people know it; that and the fact that she was a damn good trader.
"I know." I sighed, rubbing my temples. "I know."
She was right. I could easily find another buyer, especially for such a small amount. Once again, I was letting the pressure get to me and I needed reminders from all of them not to sweat the little stuff. It seemed like I was doing that more and more.
"Out." she said suddenly.
I looked up at her. "What?"
"Out." she repeated. "It's the weekend, Blondie. The world keeps turning. Go relax a little."
"I can't leave now." I answered. "I have too much to do. I have to find another buyer ..."
"Wolfgang can take care of that. That's what a team is for, to cover each other's asses. Besides, you've spent enough late nights here that I don't think anyone will complain if you leave early." Jamie handed her my briefcase, which she thrust into my hands.
"Out." she said for the third time.
I stared down at the oversized case and sighed. Maybe she was right. Finally, after debating for several moments, I stood up, slinging the case over my shoulder.
"All right." I said. "I'll go." Besides, I thought. I can always come in over the weekend ...
"Good." was Alannah's answer. "And don't think of sneaking back in here until Monday. We're going to leave strict instructions with Security not to let you back in until then."
I sighed again.
"Shoo." she said simply, waving me away. I glanced around the room and found everyone peering at me expectantly.
"All right." I said. "I'll see you all on Monday."
"Glad to hear it." called Alannah as I headed for the door. "And for God's sake, RELAX!"
I couldn't help smiling as I headed outside.
I liked all the members of the team, and it seemed like the feelings were returned. I knew they were just looking out for me. This was a bit of a surprise to me, considering the conditions under which I had become their leader. Also, in the wake of the legendary Daniel Pascoe walking out of the trade room, it was decided that it would be more "economical as well as prudent" for me to simply take over his duties in addition to my own. No one had ever considered the added pressure. Especially me. I figured I could handle it. But many times, I found myself cursing and wondering what it was he'd left me with.
Daniel Pascoe. Danny.
Shit.
Why couldn't I get through one day without thinking about him?
After the entire $200 million fiasco and his subsequent walkout, he and I had tried to continue our relationship. But where he was slowing down, I was speeding up.
He had taken some of his savings and bought a little inn just up the road from his house. Eventually, he wound up selling the house, opting to make the inn his new home. It took him almost a year to do it, but he fixed up the place, mostly on his own, restocked it, refurbished it, hired some staff, and opened a perfectly lovely business.
While he was doing that, I was concentrating on my job, my work. Making deals. Making money.
Drifting away from him.
The only time we could ever see each other was on the weekends and even when we did, we were both occupied with something else. If he came to London to visit me, he'd usually get a call for some kind of disaster back at the inn. If I went to visit him, I was usually so preoccupied that we would never get any kind of chance to talk. The visits grew less and less until finally, we agreed to stop seeing each other for a while. At least until our lives got settled.
That had been almost a year ago.
Business was booming for both of us, that much I knew. Danny's business, known as The Barrow Inn, was extraordinarily popular. So much so that I found the inn mentioned in a couple of travel books with high ratings.
As for me, well, nothing much needs to be said. Trading was its usual daily roller coaster ride, and I was climbing the hills and taking the plunges. It was all over the place. It was wild, frantic, crazy.
I was beginning to hate it.
At one point in my life, I had been able to handle it all with room to spare. I loved the pressure, the intensity of wondering whether or not I was going to fly or fall on one single deal. Now, it was just crushing me.
Maybe Alannah was right. Maybe I needed to relax.
And I knew right where to start.
I stepped out of the car, setting down my overnight bag to peer up at the inn.
It was huge.
According to several people I talked to, it was actually a renovated mansion that had long ago been owned by a Duke. Whatever happened to that guy, I wasn't able to find out, but the mansion had passed on and changed hands and sold and passed on again until it had finally fallen into the hands of one Daniel James Pascoe.
For a brief moment I just stood there staring up at the lovely building doing the same thing I had done through the entire drive down here; wondering why I had chosen to come to this particular place. There several other inns and resorts that were closer and a bit cheaper. But for whatever reason, known only to my subconscious, I had come here.
I could only pray to God that this wasn't some monumental mistake.
Finally, after several moments, I picked up my bag and walked resolutely to the front door. I wanted to get inside and checked in before I changed my mind.
I had set down my bag and was about to push the front door open, when I spotted a plaque at eye level on the brick face next to the jamb.
THE BARROW INN
FOUNDED AND NAMED IN LOVING MEMORY
OF ROBBIE BARROW.
I stared at the plaque for several moments. I had met Robbie Barrow a couple of times but had never known him as well as Danny had. A brief vision of the expression on Danny's face when we'd found Robbie's body flashed through my mind, the pain and anguish etched there as the ambulance bearing his friend had pulled away. I think that had been the moment Danny had decided he'd had enough.
My thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and an elderly couple stepped past me, nodding and smiling to me as they went. Catching the door before it closed, I picked up my bag and stepped inside.
The inn had a very homey feel about it; more like a bed and breakfast. I stepped up to the desk just inside the door and smiled to the clerk.
"I'd like a room for the weekend."
The girl turned to her computer. "Do you have a reservation?"
"No," I said calmly. "I don't."
She shook her head. "I'm sorry, but I'm not sure if we'll be able to accommodate you"
"Does that mean all the rooms are filled?"
"It means all the rooms are reserved."
"But what if a reservation is cancelled."
"Well," she said. "This is an awfully busy weekend and I don't foresee any cancellations, but if you'd like to leave a number when you can be contacted ..."
Another voice interrupted the girl.
"Anna?"
I froze at its sound. It was a voice I recognized all too well. Turning, I found a familiar figure standing in the entranceway to another room.
God above, he had changed.
The first thing I noticed was his hair. At Whitney-Payne, he had kept it executive short. Now he had let it grow out to the point where it was grazing his collar. It was still the lovely dark shade with a tinge of red and I noticed it had a nice wave to it. And instead of the suit I was used to seeing him in, he wore a grey sweatshirt and a pair of blue jeans, as well as a pair of high top sneakers. But in spite of those changes, or maybe even because of them, he was still devilishly handsome. In those wide, blue eyes, I could still see a reflection of that arrogant son of a bitch that I had--what's the British word for it? Oh yes. Bonked. That I had bonked almost a year ago. Although I had to admit, the reflection was now extremely toned down.
He stared at me for several seconds before a wide smile suddenly crossed his face. With a few long, quick steps, he had bounded to the desk and was sweeping me up into a friendly hug.
"Anna!" he cried. "What are you doing here?"
I smiled as I carefully returned his embrace. "Trying to get a room without a reservation."
"What do you mean trying?" he asked. "I know there was a cancellation this morning." He turned to the girl. "Amanda, I'd like you to give Miss Schulman room 18."
"The Aldred's room?"
He nodded. "They called me this morning. Apparently, Mrs. Aldred went into labor this morning." He grinned. "Kind of put their weekend on hold."
"I suppose so." giggled Amanda, as she began to type.
After several minutes of gathering information and a credit card number, Amanda handed me a key and gave me a bright smile.
I guess knowing the owner has its advantages.
I turned to pick up my bag and found Danny standing next to me, holding it in his hand.
"Allow me to show you to your room, madam." he said gallantly as he held his arm out to me.
He led me up a nearby staircase to a beautiful room with a huge double bed. Setting my bag down on a nearby bag stand, he peered curiously at me.
"Do you need anything? Are you hungry?" he asked. "It's past dinnertime, but I can get you something from the kitchen."
I glanced at my watch. Although it was early, at least by my standards, I could feel sleep creeping up on me. I shook my head.
"No, that's okay, Danny." I said, as I sat down on the bed. "I just want to get some sleep."
When I looked up at him, I found his eyes were wide concern as he watched me. I smiled at him. "Really, Danny. I'm okay."
He seemed to take this reassurance as truth and smiled back at me. For moment, I felt my chest constrict.
God above, that smile still drove me crazy.
"All right, then." he said. "Sleep well, Anna."
He had turned to head for the door when I called out, "Danny?"
At the door, he turned back to me. "Yeah?"
"Do you do wake up calls here?"
"Yeah, we do."
"Any way I can get one for nine?"
His smile turned to a grin. "I'll do better than that. I'll come knocking on your door."
I couldn't help laughing. "Good night, Danny."
"Good night, Anna." he said softly.
I couldn't be sure, but as he started to close the door, I thought I saw his smile fade and a look of worry cross his face. He suddenly poked his head back into the room. "Anna?"
"Yes?"
He hesitated a moment before he smiled tenderly at me. "It's really good to see you again."
The sincerity in his voice made me smile. "Me too."
The smile was still on his face as he closed the door.
A shower helped refresh me and as I got into bed, I spotted the phone. The temptation to call Whitney-Payne and check my messages was almost overwhelming. But knowing Alannah, she'd probably devised some way to check up on that as well. And I'd probably catch hell on Monday if I did.
Pulling the damp towel from around my hair, I tossed it over the phone, hiding it from my sight. At least the temptation was a little less now.
Snatching up my brush, I fiercely pulled it through my hair, attacking each knot and snarl with the same ferocity I attacked every deal that came my way. And as I brushed, I thought of Danny.
He had changed. That much was easy to see. There was a certain peacefulness to him now, as if walking away from all of it, all the crap, all the pressure, had really slowed him down.
I suddenly wondered sex with him was like now.
The thought came out of nowhere and actually made me balk, the brush in my hand suddenly freezing in mid-stroke. Carefully withdrawing it from my hair, I slowly sat down on the edge of the bed as random thoughts shot through my head.
Sex with Danny had always been an incredibly intense experience. Fast, fierce, and completely physical, it had always matched the wild pace of our lives. Lust between partners taken to an extreme. I had never imagined him as a tender lover and quite honestly, could never remember any moment in our relationship when we had just held hands or put our arms around each other. And I found I wouldn't mind if that changed.
Oh, who was I kidding? Danny and I had been apart for too long. Things had changed too much. Nothing was ever going to happen.
It was over. If it had ever started.
The thought made me attack the snarls in my hair with even more ferocity. Angrily, I yanked the brush through, doing everything to obliterate them, hoping the task would be enough to get my mind off Danny and his beautiful smile.
One stroke was especially sharp and the snarl I was pulling it through refused to budge. The result was a yank on my hair so hard that I cried out in pain.
Swearing under my breath, I stopped brushing. Studying the lump of tangled hair, I sighed and wished I had a pair of scissors.
Finally, after several moments of fuming, I picked up the brush and slowly, carefully began to work it through the snarl. It was easier than I thought. Within a few moments, the snarl easily came undone and I quickly finished brushing my hair.
Setting the brush aside, I climbed into the bed and turned off the lamp. Laying there in the dark, I thought about Danny again, about my life and how it was so different from his now, about how much he had changed.
The sting of pain on my scalp still lingered and I thought about that as well, how instead of slamming my way through a problem, I had slowed down and carefully worked it through.
As I drifted off to sleep, I decided I could probably learn a lesson from that.
The brisk knock on the door, jerked me out of my sleep. Rolling out of the bed, I was awake enough to walk a straight line to the door and pull it open. Danny stood there with a tray in his hands.
"Sorry I'm a bit late." he said. "I got sidetracked."
"That's okay." I mumbled. "What time is it?"
"Ten after twelve."
I spun around to face him, instantly awake. "It's after noon?!" I yelped. "Half the day is gone?"
He managed to look a bit confused. "Yes. That's usually what happens at noon. Half the day is over with."
"But I wanted to get up at nine."
His eyes widened. "Oh dear." he murmured. "I'm sorry, Anna. I thought you said noon."
I stared at him, straight into his eyes. And I found a brief flash of humor there that told me he was lying through those beautiful teeth of his. With a weary sigh, I sat down on the bed. "I'm not used to sleeping half a day away."
"You should try it more often." Danny said gently. "It certainly seems to agree with you. You look so much better this morning than you did last night."
"How did I look last night?"
"Like you needed a break."
I didn't say anything, I just stared at the floor.
"Hey, Anna." he said gently. "It's not a big deal. What else are you going to do here anyways?" He smiled playfully as he held the tray out to me. "Bagel?"
The warm scent of fresh bread enveloped me as I studied the tray in front of my nose. "Got any cream cheese?"
"Downstairs." he grinned.
I smiled at him and pointed to one of the bagels. "Save that raisin one for me and I'll join you downstairs in ten minutes."
His grin widened. "You've got it."
He turned to head for the door, then suddenly turned back to me and kissed me on the cheek. As he pulled back, I stared at him, astonished.
He smiled once more. "It really is good to see you again." he murmured.
I stared after him as he walked out the door.
I spotted him in a corner table as I stepped into the dining room. Seeing me, he leaped to his feet and, grinning, pulled a chair out for me.
"Such amenities." I teased.
"Hey," he smiled, setting a plate with my requested bagel and a cup of coffee before me. "The Barrow Inn takes care of its special guests."
As I carefully began to slice the bagel, I considered my words. As I reached for the cream cheese, I chose the ones I needed. "I noticed the plaque outside the door." I looked up at him as I set the small cheese tub on my plate. "That was nice."
His smile faded just a bit and his eyes left mine to peer thoughtfully down at the tablecloth. "You're probably wondering why I did that."
"I think I have a general idea."
"Actually, it may not be what you think." he said softly. His eyes lifted back up to mine again, only this time they were distant. "Robbie was actually planning on buying this place himself. And in fact, was in the final stages of closing the deal when he died." He shrugged suddenly. "The former owners really liked him. So when I stepped in and told them I was a friend of his, they were more than willing to let me close in his place." He sighed. "Actually, I had been planning on asking to go into partnership with him, but I guess it was never meant to be." He shrugged, his eyes still distant. "After Whitney-Paine, this seemed the only sensable thing to do. And since this place had originally been Robbie's, naming it for him only seemed right."
He looked around the dining room almost proudly. "We're doing well. This season is turning out to be one of the best we've had."
I nodded. "I'm glad to hear that, Danny." I said sincerely. "I really am."
I watched him thoughtfully for several moments. Sensing my stare, he looked up at me and gave me another smile.
"Well, now that you know all about my life, tell me about yours, Anna."
Immediately, I turned my attention to the bagel in my hand, slathering it with cream cheese and avoiding his eyes. He noticed this, I'm sure of it. But he didn't say a word.
What could I tell him? That the life I had walked away from him for was slowly killing me? That in spite of being in my 30s, I felt like I was in my 60s? That I envied him the beautiful life he led here?
I looked up from the bagel and smiled. "You know how it is with trading. SSDD."
Danny raised his eyebrows at me. "SSDD?"
"Same shit. Different day."
Danny laughed.
"That's actually become Alannah's favorite phrase."
"Ah Alannah!" he chuckled. "That sounds like it would be her style. How is that spikey-haired nutter?"
"Still as bitchy as ever."
Danny laughed even harder. "That's my girl!"
I smiled and nodded to him. "Everyone is doing well."
Those blue eyes suddenly turned to me and for a brief moment, I found myself pinned to my chair by their gaze.
"Everyone?" he murmured.
"Everyone." I said firmly.
His eyes held mine for a few moments longer before his stare finally softened and he smiled. "Eat up." he said, pointing to the half eaten bagel. "I still have to give you the nickle tour."
"Don't you mean the pound tour?"
"The dollar tour. Inflation, you know."
I grinned as I picked up the last half of my bagel.
"From about those trees over there," He pointed to a grove of trees a couple hundred yards away. "Straight up to the river itself," He motioned to the river behind us. "Is all part of the property."
I nodded. "That's quite a bit. I'd say you got a pretty good deal here, Danny."
He smiled shyly as he began to wander back towards the building. "I like to think so."
"In fact," I continued as I followed him back towards the inn. "You've got enough room that you could expand." I pointed to the north side of the house. "In fact, I could see you adding on to that area there. More rooms. Perhaps an extra kitchen or dining room."
He shook his head. "I don't think so." he said simply.
I was so startled by this, I stopped in my tracks. "Why not?"
He stopped himself, turning back to look at me. "It wouldn't be right."
I was flabbergasted by this. "Daniel, you'd be expanding your business. You'd be adding customers, revenue."
He shook his head again. "No."
I stared at him.
He must have read the expression on my face, because he stepped towards me, reaching out to take my hands. "I wish I could explain it to you, but it just isn't right. Things are perfect the way they are. I don't need to change them."
Suddenly, his face lit up and he grinned at me. "Perhaps I can't explain it to you, but I think I can show you what I mean." Still holding my hand, he turned back towards the inn, pulling me along with him. Stepping around to the side of the building, he pointed to a side door. "I want you to meet me here at midnight tonight."
I peered at him suspiciously. "Why?"
"Don't you trust me?"
I smiled at him. "Do you really want me to answer that?"
He laughed. "Don't worry, Anna. Have I ever disappointed you?"
I just smiled at him as he stepped into the inn. No, I thought as I followed him. That is one thing you've never done. You've never disappointed me.
Danny treated me to a lavish meal in the dining room that night, complete with wine and song. I guess I filled in the women part. The wine was a beautiful, delicious red Gioberti and the song was provided by a small string quartet that he later told me were actually a group of music students on holiday from America.
I chatted with the students for a bit after dinner and discovered one of them was from my hometown of Highland Park, Illinois. We giggled for a bit before they decided to head off to bed.
"We're doing the classic hitchhike-your-way-across-England thing and we have to be up early tomorrow morning." they told us.
I watched them as they climbed up the stairs towards their rooms, thinking that I envied their freedom. All they needed to do was just throw a few things in a bag, step out on the road, stick their thumb out, and they'd be off where ever they wanted. They could just walk away anytime they wanted.
If only things were that simple.
"Hey, Anna?" Danny's voice, filled with concern filled my ears as I felt him touch my arm. "You all right?"
I turned to him, wondering why in the name of God I had come here. What had I hoped to accomplish here? Sure, I wanted some time to rest and unwind, but I could have done that at any resort. Why had I chosen Danny's place?
"Anna?"
Did I really think he and I could get back together? Was that what I wanted? The problem was that he had just changed so much, slowed down so much.
Was that really a bad thing?
"Anna?"
"Danny?" I said quietly. "What are we?"
He stared at me, confused. "What do you mean? Last time I checked we were Homo Sapians."
I laughed quietly as an impish smile crossed his face. But the laughter quickly ended.
"I mean, what are we to each other? I'm not sure how to treat this. Are we old friends? Or are we old lovers?"
He sighed, his smile fading. "You do believe in being direct, don't you?"
"Stock in trade."
He sighed again. "Well, the best thing I can do is tell you what I believe and you see if you agree with it."
"Okay."
He took a deep breath. "I think we're old friends."
I kept silent.
"Although," he continued as he reached out and took my hand. "I think that's what we're starting with here. If we happen to move along to old lovers, well, I certainly won't fight it." He smiled at me. "How about you?"
I laughed. "Not a chance."
"That's better." he murmured with a smile as his fingers tightened around mine. "So what are you up to now?"
"I'm going to bed."
He blinked in surprise. "But ..."
I held up a hand, cutting him off. "So I'll be awake enough at midnight to see whatever it is you're going to show me."
He smiled again. "Well, since you put it that way ..." He drew my hand up and gently kissed it. "Have a good nap, Anna."
"Thank you." I said as I turned towards the stairwell. As I stepped over to them and started to climb, I glanced back at Danny and found him watching me. At least until a young woman darted up to him calling, "Mr. Pascoe, Girard needs to see you in the kitchen." He nodded to her and giving me one more smile, he headed back towards the kitchen with the young woman.
I sighed, suddenly feeling a small sense of dread creep through me. Maybe Danny and I were old friends who were on our way to becoming old lovers, but we each had responsibilities and duties, things that neither of us could walk away from. And when this weekend was over, we'd each be going back to them.
Falling asleep is usually pretty easy. It's waking up that's hard.
So I had no problem staying asleep when a gentle hand tried to shake me awake. It wasn't until I heard the voice calling my name that I struggled to open my eyes.
"Anna?" Danny's voice gently murmured in my ear. "Anna, wake up."
Opening my eyes, I found him standing over me in the darkness, a smile on his face.
"I was beginning to think I'd been stood up." he said softly.
"What time is it?" I whispered to him.
"Twenty minutes after twelve." His voice was barely above a whisper, forcing me to sit up and lean closer to hear him. In the dim light from the hall, I saw him smile as he took my hand.
"Come on." he whispered. "I want to show you something."
I grinned. "Like I haven't heard that line before."
He laughed softly as he led me out into the dim hallway. "Now you know that's not what I meant."
"We'll see." I teased.
He led me out the door he'd asked me to meet him at. Just outside was a dock that led to the river. Still holding my hand, tightly, he led me to the edge of the dock where a rowboat bobbed in the water.
Cautiously stepping into it, Danny carefully helped me into the boat. Settling down, he picked up a pair of oars and began to row across the dark water.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"I told you." His voice rolled though the darkness, filled with amusement. "I'm going to show you something."
We rowed along in silence for several minutes. Finally, I heard the oars being pulled in and a soft splash as something -- an anchor of some sort -- was tossed overboard. In the darkness, I felt more than saw him move over to sit next to me.
"Look up." His voice was a gentle murmur next to my ear and almost automatically, I looked up.
The sky was a field of stars so beautiful I gasped out loud. I had never taken the time to look at the stars before and in London the lights are always so bright you can never see them anyway. As a pilot, I was certainly aware of the stars; I'd look at them out my window whenever I flew at night. But I never really saw them. Not like this.
After a few seconds, I watched in amazement as shooting stars began to crisscross the sky. I shook my head. I had never seen so many at once.
Danny seemed to sense my awe and his voice was low as he said, "It's the Perseid meteor shower. It happens every year about this time. Normally, you don't see this many, but for some reason, the shower is particularly intense this year. And in complete darkness like this, it becomes so much easier to see all the meteors."
He fell silent for several moments. When he spoke again, his voice was still low. "This is what I wanted to show you. Do you remember when I said things were perfect the way they are? This is what I meant." I felt him turn to me. "Do you understand?"
I didn't turn to look at him, but I nodded. "Yes." I said quietly. "I understand. I don't think I can explain it, but I do understand."
"Good." he whispered.
We sat there for several more moments, gazing upwards before I heard him laugh softly.
"We're going to get whiplash if we keep sitting here staring up like this." I felt move next to me, his hands gently touching my shoulders. "It'll be easier on you if you lay down."
"Are you sure?"
"Sure, I'm sure." he said with a vocal smile as he pulled me back. "There's enough room here."
We lay there side by side, staring up at the stars and listening to the sounds of the night. Crickets chirping, the wind in the distant trees, the water lapping against the sides of the boat as it bobbed up and down. I sighed. I could stay here; lying in this boat, gently rocked by the river waters, next to a beautiful man, gazing up at the stars and pretending the world didn't exist.
Was that why I was here? Was this what I wanted? After Whitney-Payne, Danny had gone after and gotten what he wanted, just like he always had, and the inn was the result. Was Danny what I wanted? Or was the kind of life Danny had what I wanted? I couldn't have both.
Could I?
No, it would never work.
Danny had changed. Danny had slowed down. Danny was happy with that. And suddenly the truth hit me with a hard jolt.
The problem wasn't that Danny had changed.
The problem was that I hadn't.
I was still that fiercely determined person who chased deal after deal and who figured any day not making money was a day wasted. I was still that "blonde, saucy, bossy wench" as Alannah so eloquently put it.
And I was beginning to hate that person.
That feeling of dread had started earlier was creeping up again, and I turned my head to ask Danny if we could go back when my cheek brushed his shoulder. This startled me. I hadn't realised I was so close to him.
So instead of speaking, I moved a bit and laid my head on his shoulder. I felt him move, as though I had startled him.
I still don't know if Danny knew what was going through my head at that moment. If he did, he never said a word. Instead, he reached over and took my hand in a comforting grip.
That was all I needed.
How long we lay there, I don't know. But I do know it was after three in the morning when Danny finally tied the rowboat back onto the dock.
We were holding hands as we walked back to the inn and up to my room. At the door, I had my key out and the door unlocked when I turned him.
He had a tender smile on his face. All of a sudden I felt like I was back in high school on a first date, wondering how to say good night. I was about to say something when he suddenly reached forward, gently laid his hands on my shoulders and kissed me.
It was like nothing I had ever expected from him. Everytime he'd kissed me before, his lips always brutally searched and probed, as if he was trying to pull something out of me. This kiss just gave and gave. It spoke of whispered promises and tender caresses and in the instant of that I kiss, I wanted to melt in his arms.
As it slowly ended, another smile tugged at his lips. One fingertip raised up from my shoulder and softly traced its way along my jaw. His smile widened.
"It really is good to see you again." he whispered.
I couldn't help letting a grin cross my face. It wasn't too hard to guess what he was hoping for. I could see it in his eyes.
But that wasn't what I was here for. As tempting as it was, I didn't just want a reunion tumble. And if I let this happen, that's all it would ever be. I felt my grin die a bit at the thought.
"Good night, Pascoe." I said simply, a smile still on my face.
He caught the tone in my voice and as he stepped back, he smiled at me, as if he approved of my decision.
"Good night, Anna." he said softly.
I watched him as he turned and headed for the stairs. At that moment, I realised that we had just gone from old friends to old lovers. As he was about to descend, he turned back. Finding me standing there to watch him go, he gave me another one of those heart-stopping smiles. I gave him a smile of my own and a small wave before I turned, stepped into my room and closed the door sharply behind me.
"What is it?" I called.
"I'm not sure." he said as scrabbled past the reeds to the pile of clothing the dog was sniffing and whimpering at.
He reached out and tugged at it, turning it over to reveal Robbie's contorted face --
He reached out and tugged at it, turning it over to reveal Robbie's contorted face --
He reached out and tugged at it, turning it over to reveal Robbie's contorted face --
He reached out and tugged at it, turning it over to reveal my contorted face --
I let out a strangled cry as I sat bolt upright in the bed.
The room and the bed were complete strangers to me and I had to fight not to scream out loud. My body was in the real world, but my brain was still back down by the river at Daniel's house the night we had found Robbie Barrow's body.
Recognition and sensation made their way forward, pushing aside the fragments of the horrific dream. I was in the room I'd rented at The Barrow Inn. Sunlight was streaming in through the windows. My pajamas were clinging to my sodden body, plastered there by cold sweat. I was shaking. I needed a shower.
I was startled by an insistent knocking at the door. "Anna?!"
I instantly recognised the voice and it pushed the dream a little farther away.
Pascoe. Daniel. Danny.
"Yeah?"
The door opened and Danny peeked in. "You all right?"
"Yeah." I answered. "Why wouldn't I be?"
His eyes were filled with concern. "I thought I heard you yell as I was coming down the hall."
"No, no." I answered quickly. "Why would I do that?"
He didn't say anything as he stepped into the room, his eye catching the bag stand with the bag he'd place there two days ago.
"You checking out today?"
"Yeah."
He smiled gently. "Back to reality, eh?"
My stomach wrenched as the truth of his words hit home. "I guess so."
He must have seen the look on my face, because he stepped forward and knelt down next to the bed I was sitting on. "Before you go, I'd like to show you one more thing."
I sighed. "I don't know, Danny. I've got a lot to do before I leave. I've got to shower. I've got to pack. I've got a million things to do."
"Look," he said. "If there's one thing I'm still good at, it's making deals. So let me make one with you." He took my hand. "Come with me. Let me show what I want to show you, and I'll come back here with you and help you pack." He grinned suddenly. "I'll even throw in breakfast for free, prepared personally by the owner of The Barrow Inn."
"Ooooh, incentive!" I laughed.
"So, what do you say?"
"Can I take a shower first?"
"I'll let that be the deal for breakfast."
I laughed and held out my hand. "Done."
We shook on it.
He stood up and, still holding my hand, pulled me to my feet. "I'll start getting breakfast ready. Meet me in the dining room when you're ready." He kissed my hand before turning and darting out of the room.
The shower felt especially refreshing against my sticky skin and for several moments, I just stood under the spray, letting it wash away the sweat on my skin and wishing it could take away everything else. Unfortunately, the creeping feeling of dread had started up again, and it refused to go away.
Images from my nightmare flitted through my head, mixing with the very real memories of that night at Danny's house. In spite of the way he had cried out, "Who's next? Me? You?" I never thought I would ever end up like Robbie Barrow. Death had taken him completely by surprise. The startled look on his face when we found him had been enough to tell me that.
Dreams are windows to your subconscious. I've always been told that and I've always believed that. Now it looked like my subconscious was trying to give me a good kick in the ass. Maybe for once, I thought to myself, I ought to listen to it.
Toweling myself down, I threw on some clothes, run a brush through my hair (slowly), and after a final glance around the room, I ran out the door.
Danny had a nice, big breakfast waiting for me. Eggs, bacon, and coffee. Being used to bagels in the morning, I wasn't sure to do with all the food. I ate as much as I could, but still left quite a bit on the plate. Danny's eyes peered at me as I carefully pushed the plate away.
"Had enough?" he asked.
"Yep." I said, briefly wondering exactly what I was referring to.
He led me back upstairs. Only instead of heading for any of the rooms, he headed for a grey door at the far end of the hall.
Behind that grey door was another steep set of stairs leading straight up. Following Danny up, I noticed how dusty the place was. Finally, after several minutes of climbing, we reached the top, and another grey door.
I was startled by the bright sunlight that flooded the stairwell as he pushed the door open. Leading me through, I found myself standing on the flat roof of one on the inn's wings. Spread out before us was the most breathtaking English landscape I had ever seen.
"This is kind of a private spot for me." he said as he drew me over to a small bench and sat down. I settled down next to him. "I come up here when I need to think or work something out." He hesitated a moment. "I came up here a lot when we stopped seeing each other."
"Can I ask you something?" I said suddenly.
"Sure."
"Do you ever miss it? Trading, I mean. Dealing."
He sighed and let his head fall back so that he was looking up at the sky, closing his eyes against the sun. After several moments of silence, he murmured, "Sometimes. Once in a great long while I'll think about the thrill of the chase or that rush I'd get when something came through and I'll miss that bit. But for the most part, no. I don't miss it." He smiled suddenly. "That's not to say I don't play around with the market. I do. I invest. But I let someone else do the dirty work for me."
"How about the team?" I asked. "Do you miss them?"
He laughed softly. "How could I not?"
I watched him for a moment. Finally, without even thinking of it, I spoke.
"I've missed you, Danny."
He turned to me, a startled look on his face. "I've missed you too." he said quietly. As I watched, a beautiful smile slowly spread across his face as he said, "Have I told you it's really good to see you again?"
I laughed out loud. "Once or twice."
We chuckled together for several moments, like two old friends. Then silence fell between us. It was comfortable; the kind that could easily be shared by old friend and old lovers alike. And for a good long while, we sat just there, simply soaking up the sun and enjoying the scenery.
I couldn't help but think about my life again as we sat there. I remembered something Danny had said to me the day he had walked out of Whitney-Paine. I remembered how tired his eyes were as he looked up at me and murmured, "Careful how you fly."
Oh, I was flying all right. And I was on a collision course straight with the ground and it would produce one of the most beautiful crash and burns ever known to man.
That same feeling of dread started to creep through me once more and it took all my strength to push it aside. I turned to Danny, hoping to find a bit more strength in him, and found him staring intently at me. His eyes were once more filled with concern. I gave him a shaky smile. His own responding smile was gentle.
"Well, you've kept your part of the deal. Now it's time for me to keep mine." He stood up and held a hand out to me. "Do you want to go back?"
For a moment, I wanted to tell him "No." But instead, I just took his hand and let him pull me to my feet.
We headed back towards the stairs that would take us back down into the inn. But just as he reached out to open the door, he stopped and turned to me.
"I want to tell you something." he said quietly. "And I think you need to hear it." He seemed to hesitate for a moment, as if he was trying to choose the words. Finally, he took a deep breath and, holding my hand in both of his, he quietly spoke.
"I want you to know this, Anna. If you ever need somewhere to go, someplace to run to, someplace to relax and forget about everything, someone to talk to, I want you to come here. The door will always be open and there will always be a place for you to stay." He smiled gently. "You're always welcome here, Anna. Never forget that."
I smiled back. "Thank you, Danny." I whispered. "That really means a lot to me."
He nodded to me and, still holding my hand, he turned and opened the door and led me back inside.
We went directly to my room and started to pack. It was getting late in the afternoon and Danny told me it would be best if I started back before nightfall.
There was barely any conversation between us as we gathered up my things and put them back into my overnight bag. I hadn't brought that much with me so I was packed up and ready to check out within a matter of minutes.
Slinging both the bag and my purse over my shoulder, Danny and I headed downstairs. Checking out was even easier then packing up. All I did was hand Amanda my key and was given a receipt. As I slipped the receipt into my purse, I knew it was at this moment, my weekend was ending. Once I walked out the door, it would be over.
We walked over to the door, pausing to turn to each other one last time. I slipped the bag off my shoulder so it would be easier to carry and set it down. Danny suddenly smiled at me, reached out, and pulled me into a friendly hug. I couldn't help holding onto him as he whispered to me. "Good bye, Anna."
"Good bye, Danny." I managed to murmur.
We held onto each other for several moments before letting each other go. He smiled at me, but I could see it had a bit of sadness in it. That feeling of dread grew a bit more.
"Remember," he said quietly to me. "You're always welcome here."
I nodded. "I'll remember."
He gave me one last kiss on the cheek and I smiled at him as I picked up my bag again and turned towards the door, planning on making on of those grand sweeping exits you only see in old movies.
I couldn't do it.
I strode purposefully to the door with every intention of throwing it open and walking outside. But when I reached it, my feet simply stopped. I couldn't move. My feet remained rooted in place and I stared at the doorknob, trying to will my hand to reach out, grasp it, and turn it.
I couldn't do it.
I knew what I would be doing, where I would be going if I walked out. Back to my life. Back to all the crap and the pressure and being that blonde, saucy, bossy wench that I hated so much.
The feeling of dread that I'd been holding back all weekend suddenly poured through me with such force, I started shaking. I felt my fingers loosen their grip in the bag and it fell to the floor with a loud SMACK! Then I did something I hadn't done in years.
I burst into tears.
It took me a few moments to realise Danny was next to me, his hands touching my shoulders. "Anna?" he asked, his voice filled with alarm. "Anna, what is it?"
That one question triggered something inside of me and words began to pour out of my mouth, punctuated by the stuttering sobs that shook me.
"I can't do it anymore." I whimpered. "I just can't do it anymore. I keep thinking about when we found Robbie's body and I just know that's going to happen to me. That I'm going to burn out and wind up leaving behind a young corpse. This is eating me alive and I don't know what to do. I wish I had your courage, Danny. Courage to just walk away."
I felt his arms come around me, holding me to him. I buried my face in his shoulder letting his sweatshirt absorb my tears.
"I know, Anna." he murmured. "God, I know. I know this is killing you. I've seen it in your eyes all weekend. I saw it Robbie's eyes just before he died. I saw it in my own whenever I looked in the mirror. And now I see in your eyes and it scares me. Because it means your soul is dying. I don't want that to happen to you."
He pulled back a little from me to look into my eyes. "You need to slow down. You're moving so fast that you're losing control. Am I right?"
I nodded.
"You move through life so fast and the scenery becomes very blurry. But if you slow down, things come sharply into focus. That happened when I slowed down. And the one thing that came into focus the quickest was the fact that I love you. I think I always have. I just was going too fast to know it."
I stared at him, so completely astonished I couldn't speak. In all the time we had ever been lovers, we had never once said, "I love you." We were partners, that had been it. We respected each other as such. The fact that we had been sleeping together was simply an added bonus. Never once had we expressed any kind of emotion for each other.
Tears flooded my eyes once more, but this time was different. They weren't tears of dread and pain, but tears of delight. I wrapped my arms around Danny's neck and again buried my face in his shirt. I felt certain that all the tears I'd stopped myself from shedding over the years were flowing out of me in this one moment.
Danny's arms held me tightly again as he whispered to me once more.
"You need to walk away, Anna."
I was startled by this. I couldn't do that, could I? Maybe when things settled down--
I remembered how Danny and I had promised ourselves that we would get back together when our lives had settled down. I also saw the results of that promise. It made me clutch him a little tighter.
He sensed my hesitation. "I know it's tough." he whispered. "It was so hard for me to walk away, in spite of everything that happened. But I knew if I didn't, it would do to me what it's doing to you. It would eat me alive. I don't want to see that happen to you. Please. I don't want to attend your funeral as well. Walk away, Anna."
I pulled back to stare up at him. "I'm not sure, Danny. If I walk away, where would I go?"
He smiled suddenly, a beautiful, angelic smile as he released me and reached up to let his fingers touch my jaw. Then he kissed me, that same giving kiss he had touched me with the night before.
"Walk to me, Anna." he whispered. "Walk to me. And don't worry about stumbling or falling. If that happens, I'll be there to catch you."
I buried my face in his neck and shoulder once again, this time without tears. I felt his arms wrap around me, holding me again.
God above, how I loved this man.
But here I was, my car waiting outside, ready to take me back to London and my old life.
No way was that going to happen.
As I pulled back to look up into Danny's face, I felt things coming into focus as I finally began to slow down.
"Danny?"
"Yeah?"
I hesitated, not knowing what to say and not knowing how he'd react. The words that slipped from my mouth were unexpected to both of us.
"I don't want to leave."
His eyes suddenly widened and another grin crossed his face. He kissed me again.
"You don't have to." he said softly. "After all, I do own the inn. I think I can find a room for you to stay in." His smile suddenly turned impish. "Of course, you'd have to make do with a roommate...."
"You know what?" I whispered, a smile crossing my face as I moved to kiss him. "I think I can live with that."